


You Gave Me the Sun

by hailvodka



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 06:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13475643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hailvodka/pseuds/hailvodka
Summary: By the time Steve finds Bucky at HYDRA's base, it's too late. Bucky has to make a tough decision, and Steve has to live with it.TW: Suicide





	You Gave Me the Sun

The wave of relief that washes over Steve Rogers the moment that he lays eyes on his best friend could wipe out whole cities. He’d been hoping, praying that Bucky would still be alive when he got there, but he hadn’t let himself believe it. Not until now. They’re alone, most of the facility already evacuated. Bucky looks like he was left here in a hurry, forgotten in the chaos. Left to die. He’s a mess, got that dazed look in his eye like he just woke up, and he keeps trying to say his ID number but can’t quite make it all the way through. Steve knows they don’t have much time. If they don’t get out of here now, neither of them will get out. 

“It’s me,” he says. “It’s Steve.” Bucky doesn’t quite seem to register that, but he’s trying to make sense of it. 

“Steve?”

“Come on,” Steve urges him, placing a hand on his shoulder and trying to help him sit up.

“Steve…” Bucky mutters, like the name rings a bell. Like he’s trying to place it. There’s a sort of recognition in his face, but it’s like the dots haven’t quite connected all the way yet. Like a few of them are missing.

“I thought you were dead,” Steve says, the crack in his voice betraying him. His eyes are soft but edged with worry, his forehead creased with a concern he doesn’t have to voice. Bucky struggles to focus his eyes on the figure standing over him.

“…I thought you were smaller.”

Steve almost laughs, he’s so happy to hear Bucky cracking jokes again. Not that now is really the time for it, but he doesn’t care. With the way he looked at him when he came in, he’s just relieved Bucky knows who he is at all. He puts his other hand on Bucky’s side and pulls him to his feet, but as soon as he lets go, Bucky crumples to the floor. His legs are too shaky to be useful, his body too weak to hold him. He tries to stammer an explanation, an apology, anything, but he just starts coughing.

Steve drops to his knees and catches Bucky’s chest before he can fall forward, pulling him close so his face is over Steve’s shoulder. 

“Buck—“ 

“I’m—“ He coughs again, and blood flecks the back of Steve’s uniform. “I’m fine.”

Steve takes him by the shoulders and holds him at arm’s length, searching his eyes for the truth, and it hits him. Bucky can’t stand. Bucky can’t walk. But Bucky will never admit it, not in a million years. The stubborn sonovabitch. Steve tries one more time to pull him to his feet, but to the same end. This time, he catches him before he falls, supporting his entire body weight, and throws one of his arms across his shoulders. 

“I’m not leaving you here,” he says, and he starts to move, Bucky’s legs dragging the floor behind them. “Come on.”

They make it twenty feet to the stairs, but as soon as they start to climb down, there’s an explosion above them, and the upper level caves in. Debris completely blocks the staircase. Steve looks down at Bucky, in his face a mixture of worry and utter determination. He won’t leave Bucky here. He won’t. There’s a ladder at the other end of the lab, and he’s willing to bet he can get them both down it. 

He drags Bucky over to it and repositions him on his back, arms in a loose hold around Steve’s neck. With one hand, he holds Bucky in place. With the other, he starts to climb. One rung at a time. He can do this. On his back, Bucky fades in and out of consciousness, barely hanging on. 

“Almost there,” Steve says. “Stay with me.”

They reach the bottom, and Steve keeps carrying Bucky, not confident at this point that he’s sturdy enough to even drag. They cross the room to a door, their way out. Steve puts his hand on the knob and turns it, then draws back with a hiss as it cracks open. Smoke pours from the opening. Fire. Steve puts Bucky down, setting him against a piece of equipment to keep him upright, and he charges into the flames to look for an exit. He emerges not twenty seconds later, drenched in sweat, chest heaving. No luck. 

He rushes back to Bucky and starts to pull him onto his back again, but Bucky grabs his arm.

“Steve,” he says. God, he sounds drunk. 

“We gotta go. C’mon.”

“Steve, it’s okay.”

Steve stops, looks him in the eye. 

“What?”

Bucky’s eyes are half-lidded and dark. Tired. Pleading.

“It’s okay, Stevie.”

Steve’s eyes burn hot with tears, and he can’t tell if it’s because Bucky just called him Stevie or because he knows exactly what he means. He shakes his head and grits his teeth, and a tear slides down his cheek. There’s another explosion upstairs, and a chunk of the ceiling crashes down beside them. They’re running out of time. Fast.

Again, Steve tries to pull Bucky up, and again, Bucky stops him. 

“Go,” he says in a frantic whisper, glancing up at the crumbling ceiling. He knows he’s not gonna make it. He can feel himself slipping already, and he won’t drag Steve down with him. But Steve immediately shakes his head again, and Bucky can see that he’s not gonna leave him. He can also see that if he doesn’t, neither of them will make it. He’ll slow Steve down too much. The building won’t hold up that long. 

“See you on the other side. Don’t do anything stupid,” he mutters, and Steve doesn’t have a chance to think about what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Bucky reaches a hand up to Steve’s cheek, and he pulls him close enough to crash their lips together in a sloppy rush of a kiss that’s just gonna have to do. It’s not exactly the way he hoped their first kiss would go, but it’s the best they’re going to get. At the same time, his other hand goes to Steve’s belt and pulls out his M1911.

He’s still kissing Steve when he pulls the trigger.

Bucky’s body goes limp in Steve’s arms, and it takes him several seconds to process what just happened. Before he can even comprehend it, he gets this feeling like someone’s ripped a hole through his chest, like that bullet went through him instead of Bucky. It’s like he swallowed a match and it lit him up inside. Within seconds, he feels like he’s been reduced to ashes. His face contorts with the pain of it, and he buries his face in Bucky’s bloody chest as sobs wrack his body, the kind so fierce and heavy they can’t be heard, just felt. And oh, does he feel them. 

It takes another flaming chunk of concrete falling just inches from his feet to move him. He scoops the body up in his arms bridal-style, and he charges through the only door, into the fire. He’s got nothing to lose at this point, right? If he burns to death, so be it. He won’t leave Bucky’s body here. 

\---------------------------------

When they bury him a week later, Steve carries the coffin, draped with the American flag. He still has burns on his face and hands that he won’t let anyone touch. He keeps Bucky’s dog tags clenched in one hand where they dangle around his neck, and he gives a brief speech that doesn’t even graze the surface of everything he wants to say. He talks about what a brave man his best friend was, and that's true. He talks about Bucky's unwavering loyalty, his selflessness, his need to protect others. He says a lot of nice things that could be said about a lot of soldiers, and while he means every one of them, the words feel hollow.

He doesn’t tell anyone what actually happened that day. The official report says that James Barnes was killed in action, that he was found dead at a HYDRA facility in Germany and his body removed. But when Steve visits the grave after all is said and done, when he breaks down and falls to his knees and cries for an hour and a half, that’s when he finally speaks his mind.

“You idiot,” he says through clenched teeth. “You goddamn idiot.” He strikes the dirt with his fist, and he has to wait until he can catch his breath before he can start again. 

“I could’ve got us both out. I could’ve…” He lets his voice trail off there, partly because he can’t finish that sentence, and partly because he doesn’t know how. There was nothing he could have done. He knows that. But he could have tried. Bucky didn’t even give him a chance.

“You just…you just gave up. How could you?”

And then he’s sobbing again. He’s sobbing, and he’s repeating those words over and over, and his hands are clenching fistfuls of dirt like if he squeezes hard enough, the earth will return his best friend to him. 

“You said till the end of the line,” he says, forcing himself to regain some semblance of composure. "You asshole." He breathes deeply, he swallows the tears. His head is pounding, his throat raw. 

He lies down beside the freshly packed grave, and he heaves a shaky breath, weighed down by all the words he can’t bring himself to say.

“Till the end of the line,” he whispers, and he lets his tear-ringed eyes drift closed.


End file.
